Sunday, March 26, 2006

The New Guy is Going to Pop

We recently recieved a new addition to the team going by the name J. Milky (close enough). Milky is a good kid from Nebraska with the attention span of a gnat and all the subtlety of a stop sign. I wanted to write about something else today but that post will have to wait because three roundhouse kicks was all it took to change the nature of this weeks post. Enjoy and welcome . . .

Welcome to ADD Theatre
A J. Milky Production
Brought to you in Vivid Realified Words by

in assosiation with
Ensephalo-Herps Studios

The following is based on actual events and unlike Hollywood “based on”, I mean this shit really happened and I saw it with my own two eyes—heard it with both ears.


Statements Milky has made since arriving:

"I taught myself three things. Tae-kwan-do, Spanish and how to kick asses." said with a seriously serious face. He then proceeds to pluck away at his guitar which he does not know how to tune or play. Sweet sounds of my very own Audio Ghraib.

"I really could kick your ass. Why are you laughing? I really could." after performing three wild roundhouse kicks that shook the whole building with his overweight ass.

"I wasn't a borderline personality disorder until I met her. Before her, I was an Antisocial personality disorder."

"Are you going to do that To-morning Morrow?" when he gets overly excited, he mixes words. I've heard some great ones but I can only remember this one because there are too many.

"I've hung out with Mexicans since I was a kid"

"I was a boxer."

"I was in Prison."

“I’ve been stabbed.”

“I’ve been shot at.”

“I was in a gang. The cops still got me on a list for gang affiliation.”

"Why are you laughing" I’ve heard him ask this one about a hundred times.

"I've punched a patient before but I respected his right to privacy."

"I was ADHD until I was a Junior in high school, then I took myself off the meds and I'm so much better without them. A lot of great people were ADHD you know."

"Why?" about a hundred times.

"That's stupid." after every answer to why.

"Fuck that shit." after every reasonable answer to that's stupid.

"Fuck that shit." muttered under his breath after every answer to fuck that shit.

"That hurt my feelings bro." more times than I can count.

Things that have happened to Milky since arriving:

His "fucking wallet" was "stolen" his first day here. He had to cancel all his credit and ATM cards and request "all new shit!" Then someone found his wallet on the bus he'd been riding and turned it in to the Navy peeps at the hospital. "So you lost your wallet" I accused. His reply, "it was stolen until that guy found it."

He was kicked out of the Troop Medical Clinic because no doctors knew of him. It was one of the things that "hurt my feelings bro".

When he was told that he was being reassigned to an outer camp away from the main hub (where the pools and women are located), he asked "Why" and replied to the reply "that's stupid" and the cycle began anew.

His Mutual Funds account was accidentally wiped out and is now in the process of being located. It is lost somewhere in the digital muck of the super dependable internet highway.

The only email address which contains documents of his mutual funds account is bogged down by slow servers. When he finally got his account displayed, it was locked out.

Things I've seen Milky Do:

Fucking round house kicks!

His eyes cross when he gets frustrated, which is a lot.

He's lost his keys, wallet, ID, cigarettes and coffee at least twice everyday.

Toilet OCD. He must use the same toilet after every meal. No other will do. Don't ask.


Marko Ramius said...

What an effing character! Sounds like his Mutual Funds consist of stock in MySpace, Ninja Turtles, and all things endorsed or affiliated with Chuck Norris...

Birdy said...

Ha! This is hilarious. I've known guys like this. You want to feel sympathy for them but they themselves make it impossible to.

karla said...

Man, this guy sounds like a great catch! Can you give him my phone number?

infinitesimal said...

Sounds like a compulsive liar, and also ADHD which may be caused by severe food allergies especially chemicals, dyes and flavors.

I am sure you could care less, but it may help to know the cause.

If he ate only natural unprocessed foods, he might be really calm and reliable. Or, he might still be nuts.

But I think that it's the food.

~From your cheery weird blog-stalker~]

PS: I am sorry I did not deliver on the slice of life... I took a picture or 2 for ya tho, and it will show up. But meantime, try back on Friday for a ghost story, K?

mad malva blue said...

yeah ... what karla said!

that is too funny ...

mrsleep said...

There is a purity to J Milky. You know what you are going to get from the lad. You can count on him. He provides a regular, dependable diversion from your reality, as he shares his reality with you.

We share a common bond.

"Fuck this shit". The common denominatr that holds us all together.

Another thing about J Milky. You will never forget him.

Thousands of people intersect with us in our lifetime, few leave a life long impression.

BTW. Found your Blog via Boris Yeltsins Blog via Intellectual Insurgents Blog.

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. Those that frequent the Blogosphere are like your Iraqui kids across that canyon.

We toss out posts to the needy, not sure what they do with the proceeds.

Yes, you have a gift for writing. Thanks for taking the time.