Laid Back Attack

So many people describe themselves as laid back when this is simply. Not. So.

I know this because most people think I'm laid back.

They think this because I tell them "I'm very laid back."

I’ve been a surfer for years thinking this afforded me a certain bankroll of laidbackness—a sort of superiority of ‘this shit doesn’t affect me’.

I’ve realized as I’ve become an older man, that I am probably the opposite. Silly, tiny, almost laughable things have a way of neutralizing my mental processes, igniting them a burning anathema.

As I sit and write this, an overweight Commander sits to my left chewing with his mouth open, smack smack smacking his existence into my thirst for revenge. This small habit has always been something that liquefies my eyeballs into mental magma. Not only is my tubby superior not using his mouth considerately, he has opted to gorge on single kernels of popcorn at a time thus actively protracting the flood drowning my body in serious amounts of cortisol.

This post was supposed to be about something different, meaningful and poignant maybe. Now all I can think about is chubby cheeks and pudgy fingers and insistent chomping.

If I was laid back, I wouldn’t care about his eating habits. If I was laid back, I’d say to myself ‘Hey, its only food. Even fat people have to eat. Who cares if it’s an incredibly annoying way to masticate?’

Yet, instead of thinking these carefree thoughts, I’m stewing in blood soaked words.

‘Fucking tubby buttplugger! Eat like a normal person or grab some handfuls like a real man and take control of that Goddamned bag. Fucking eat already! Jesus Christ on a Fucking Cracker with cheese! Didn’t some wild west outlaw Killy the Shit put a bullet through someone for eating like that? Or was it snoring? Why did the military give me a gun and then stick me with this flatulent turder? Fuck a gun. I want to slap. I wish to issue an open hand whack of retribution upon the maws of infidels insistent upon annoying mouth misuse!’